Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
