We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
