This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
