Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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