oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
