and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
