I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
cat food counts as protein by the way
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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