Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
