I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
