mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
