Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
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Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
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Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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