theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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