i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
