I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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