tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
even my farts smell like vagina
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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