Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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