She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I need a beard to bite.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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