you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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