upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
