i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
