The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
