the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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