John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize