If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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