I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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