Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
