I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
