if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
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you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
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The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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