ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
