totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
