btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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