To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
