I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
