I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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