dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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