i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
