I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
