sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
