why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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