I can text with my tongue
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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