I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
