I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
