I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
