u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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