A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just invented taco cereal.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
