How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
