She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
