I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
