so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
