I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
