I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
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I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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