your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
