I accidentally had phone sex last night
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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