I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
