I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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