Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
