He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Come on in and take your pants off
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