Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
