i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
