are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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